Thursday, March 6, 2014

My Battle

It's not often I rave about a book and even less often that I open up and tell people what is actually going on.  So I am doing both today and I think I have to, to help me get to my happy.  The past year or so I have been crying myself to sleep, having break downs when no one is watching, I was at my lowest point.  And then we put my Mom and brother back on a plane home and what I thought couldn't get worse dose dived deeper.  I did a lot of soul searching and realized I wasn't happy anymore and had only been functioning not actually living.  So with tons of thought, an amazing friend who I would have never been able to hold my head above water without Jasmine and this amazing book (365 Thank Yous:  The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life by John Kralik) and making my WOY for this year Happy.  I am finally getting to that point.  I made the decision to leave things I was involved in last year because even though they were things I was passionate about they were not things that I felt like I needed to be doing at that time.  I had lost me with our move and I was struggling to find that person again.  This has been the hardest battle I have had to go through and I have gone through it virtually silent except for Seth and Jasmine knowing.  I choose that though, because that is who I am.  I didn't want tons of people (even though I know they would support me) there telling me it would be okay.  I had to discover it all on my own and the less people that knew the better for me it was going to be.  I battled picking up and moving home constantly, I battled the am I good enough fight because for the first time in my Mommy life I was questioning if I was a good Mom, I was battling all these silent fights that were waging a war inside me and it was one I was loosing by the second.  Nothing seemed to be doing any good, everything and everyone seemed out to get me or make it worse.  So I shut down, I shut down everything and everyone and focused on simple things like being grateful, enjoying the moment with the girls and trying not to focus on anything else.  Somewhere along the way I lost music, scrapbooking and my peace.  I've now found those things again and can see the difference they make in my life.  I am eternally thankful for Jasmine because I know without her I would have NEVER been able to come around.  I might have a down time, even a down day but it's no longer to the point it used to be.  It takes an amazing person to be able to look at  you and see the struggles you are hiding from the world and embrace you, with all your devastation and let you open up to them despite what they are going through and not try and fix you but just be there for you.   So when I say we are truly blessed you guys came into our lives I really am completely grateful.  I would be lost without all you have done for me and my family.