Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Path to Forever

Thursday, January 2, 2014


I've been a huge slacker about keeping up with this.  We had such an up and down 2013 but we made it through.  2014 is going to be different I am going to look at life different downs are not downs they are just little speed bumps.  We did add a dog to our family, Lucky.  He was a shelter find and he turned 4 in December.
    He has been such a blessing to us.  Right off I could see how much having the dog made a difference with Seth.  He might have needed us, but I'm sure we needed him more.  I also got Seth to venture outside of his bubble a little by spending sometime outside.  Hopefully we can continue it this year.  I am also catching up on applications.  I sent one off and will send the other off tomorrow.  The fight has been a long one but I feel that as we approach the 5 year mark (it's hard to believe it's been that long, it still feels like yesterday I got the Phone Call that changed EVERYTHING) I am finally getting the hang of all of this.  I also want to help people so they don't stumble through it all like we did.

Sunday, July 29, 2012


Websters Definition of STRENGTH

1: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance
2: power to resist force : solidity, toughness
3: power of resisting attack : impregnability

The past two weeks I got a whole new definition of Strength!  It's so simple it's just SETH!!!!  Seth decided he was done with the pills and after 2 and a half years of being on morphine by doctors prescription Seth said I'm DONE!  In a little over two weeks Seth kicked the morphine.  This man never stops AMAZING me with his level of strength.  Here is to us rebuilding the Path that took some huge detours and got derailed but we will make it.  We are strong, we are survivors, we have each other I think that's the most important part!!!!!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It's a Battle

I've learned a lot in my new path as the wife of a Wounded Warrior!  It's hard to think of where we came from and what we have been through when it feels like we lost that life.  We lost the people we relate too.  Our people are Military people, it's a way of life.  It's something people on the outside don't seem to get, unless you have experienced it.  Leaving it behind has left this void in both of us because we don't know what to do now.  We didn't expect this, we were not ready to be done with it.  Now we have to deal.  After battling with things beyond what any one person should deal with it just keeps adding up.  I don't see a break in the dark anymore, the light isn't coming through the cracks.  But we keep forging on to get to where we need to be. With all that being said we don't ask for help, most of the time no one even knows we have issues.  We fight a battle every day trying to help him REMEMBER, to fight through the pain.  But it's our battle, we faithfully fight it daily!  Because we do this it doesn't change who we are, it doesn't make him a "Monster" or "Damaged Goods" (and yes, that is in reference to Dr. Phil).  We fight to be Normal, to fit in with people who don't understand what we gave up, what we have sacrificed and now we have this stigma to add to it.  What the hell, seriously there are thousands of people out there dealing with these issues and now you have managed to crush them and make them insignificant.  But we will keep fighting our battle, so our family can be a FAMILY!!!!!!

With all that said.  We have had a number of not great days.  We have fighting with the VA in our future because apparently they think we have nothing better to do.  Apparently it's fun to make up things and guess when you don't know.  We were informed he never had a hole in his head (I saw it, I packed it with gauze, I had to clean it, IT WAS THERE)!!!  So now we have another battle to add to our list of things we have to fight for.  It's funny he fought for his Country with no questions asked, he did what he was told when he was told.  And now that it's there turn to take care of him, they can't toe the line and do what needs to be done.  Well I am a Warriors Wife, I've been through three deployments, experienced HELL and stared my biggest fear in the face and walked away from it!  I am not a person to be reckoned with and I WILL ACCOMPLISH WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!    I'm a new breed of Military Spouse one you didn't ever foresee and and I am going to get MY WAY!  We deserve nothing less!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Lots of Changes

We just recently became aware of the Caregiver program and signed up for it.  I had to complete a test and we had to have a home study.  Now we are all signed up and things are done we have some repairs to make before our next home study in March and will continue to have them every three months.  We also have someone to help answer the questions we had that were not getting answered and found out who to go to for our issues. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

A lesser Woman Would have gave in

I guess I can start with being thankful for being a very inquisitive kid and up in everything when someone was fixing something or working on outside stuff.  It's come in really useful lately.  We tackled the bathroom for a leak and first off if you can walk away from a situation with knowledge and it costing you less then a professional and you did the job yourself then RIGHT ON!  So lots of Google, YouTube and trips to Lowe's later we managed to fix the bathroom.  Bless Seth's heart for struggling to get it all done.  Then we have been taking care of lawn things.  He mostly ran the saw while I had to do the heavy lifting and pulling because he can't do that stuff it's too much for his back.  We got a good chunk of it torn out of there and called it quits for the day.  Today I got out there by myself and went to town on the thing.  It is weird when you have to be the one to tackle the big things because physically he does not need to be doing them.  It does feel wonderful to know that all that time dealing with deployments and handling stuff helped me get out there and tear down that stuff.  I still have to haul it away and dig up the vines so they don't come back but I did it!  I looked the impossible in the face and beat it.  I took all my frustration out on it and overcame this huge hurtle.  You learn to look at things differently when you have a injured spouse.  The little things you take for granted come clearly when you are the one who ends up having to do them.  It broke my heart the other day to watch him crawl up the stairs after falling and refusing help.  To watch the daily struggle that goes on in him and know that I might be the only person who sees it.  But he still gets up every day and does it all over again and fights through the constant pain to be able to function for me and his kids.  It makes you understand the meaning of the quote "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is all you have".  There have been times when everything seems like it is collapsing around us but I know we have the important things to make it through, our love, our family, our faith and our strength.  They might not seem like much to you but to us they are what keeps us going day to day.  It's what gets us through the hard days.  Until you understand what it's like to live that life you wont ever get it.  Almost two years ago our life changed and every day has been a constant battle to just LIVE!  Take time and enjoy things, appreciate what you have and relish in your accomplishments.  You don't know when those things will not be there or you will not be able to accomplish them.  This whole experience has taught me to enjoy the small things, try and not sweat the other stuff and blessed me with a renowned since of Faith.  From the day I got the news I new that Seth had Angels and they protected him for a reason.  My Faith and belief in that has not wavered only gotten stronger.  God only gives us what we can handle, I am just a lot stronger then I could have ever known.  Take each day as the adventure it is, be thankful and blessed.  A Lesser Woman Would have Given in with all I have done, seen and endured but Love and Faith have a powerful way of making you strong enough to battle the Demons that arise form PTSD and TBI!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Good Days and Bad

It's been one of those battles between the good and the bad here lately.  It angers me that he has to deal with the idiocy along with everything else.  Really he has given up so much for our family and his country and here we sit in this in-between place.  I hate to see the bad days, the struggles he goes through for the girls and I to have a semi normal life.  I despise the because he doesn't look or seem broken to you does NOT mean he isn't.  If you don't understand it look it up, ask questions you don't get it if you guess because you do not want to admit you don't know it all.  It's amazing how when those bad days hit you do whatever you can to ease the pain off of him even if his pride doesn't want it. 

Sunday, July 31, 2011

It's Not Easy

It's funny that you still encounter Stupidity about Seth and all he has been through so much.  The people who believe we have it so easy, I would gladly trade with them so they can see ya we get to stay home all day and do Stay at home parent things but it came with it's costs.  I am thankful for all of the people who get all we gave up for this life and thankful for what Seth gave up for them.  I have just been to disgusted to blog lately about all the people who complain about the little petty stuff to us.  Really do you understand what we have gone through your problems don't even make an inch of ours.  We choose the Army Life knowing that we would not spend tons of time together, and he would go off to war.  We don't regret the choices we made and we live with the consequences of those things daily.  But I can not listen to how we have it so easy!  You do not see the struggles, you did not see the pain, you don't know what it's like to have your life shatter to pieces and have to try and rebuild it the best way you can again.  In June and the beginning of July we had to go to Oklahoma and back for a funeral and Seth I'm sure pushed himself past his limit so we could be there in time with driving.  We made overnight stops on the way there, and left very early in the morning so that he could get enough sleep at night before having to head out again for another 12 hours of driving.  We have to brake our shopping up into days because it's too much for him all at once.  The things you take for granted our the ones we have to fight at every day.  Remember that he gave up so much to just be able to be with us.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's been awhile

I met a very interesting older man this past weekend that told me about Adaptive Sports they do up at the VA here.  I talked with Seth about them and even wrote them down for him.  Hopefully he remembers the next time he is out there to check into them.  I think it will be good for him.  I also found out they have family support group meetings and I know it's something I need to look into.  It's nice having people who understand and who have been there too, to talk to.  Seth has been having more bad days then good ones lately and he's taken a number of falls.  Sometimes it's hard to see him struggle with simple things and know there is nothing I can do or say to help.  He is going to step outside his normal comfort zone and try to be a leader in Scouts.  Hopefully it will give him something he can use some of that knowledge he learned in the Army to help him and will be a great experience for both him and the girls.  I entered a photo of Seth in a photo challenge in my Mom's group and he won.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Temporary Rating

We got a letter last week from the VA with Seth's temporary rating.  It's 100% which means he can't have a job, so as much as he wanted to do photography maybe he can keep doing it for his hobby.  He's good at it and it seems to calm him so it will be a win, win type thing.  It feels like we are finally moving somewhere now that we have this rating.  Now we just wait for the permanent status.  Fingers crossed everything else looks like it is falling into somewhat of a place. 

Monday, February 28, 2011

2011 before the Switch

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Bad Guy

Seth came home yesterday with paperwork to fill out and a sheet for me to fill out.  It's about how things have changed since the accident (I don't know what else to call it) and the things he can't do and all of that.  I'm terrified I've had all these feelings and things I have been terrified about but am afraid to tell people.  I know there are people out there who are and have gone through the same thing and know my "secret fears" because they share them to but what kind of person does it make me to share them.  Seth said to tell them all of them it will help in the long run for them to judge the care he needs and the extend of the injuries and the side effects we are dealing with but I feel like it makes me a bad person for having to say them about him.  I have been torn about them since he told me yesterday and he knows what they are and if he is comfortable with them being read by these people why am I not?  But I will have to bite the bullet and do it even if it does make me feel like I'm being mean or the bad guy because I know he needs this.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A lot of stress, a ton of tears and little results

My brain feels like it is on overload.  There are days when I just don't know how I can even function.  It's so hard to try and focus on the good days and not the bad ones.  I know it's not his fault and I have this hate in me that wants to meet the person that did this to him and beat him in the head so he has to deal with the same thing.  It's hard knowing that most people don't know or understand how I feel and I feel lost and alone a ton of the time.  It would be nice to have a support group closer to here where I could have wives to talk to that are going through the same thing.  He does things that end up making him feel worse because he doesn't want to look like he can't take care of us and then I feel horrible because I know how much it hurts him to do them. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

If he can, so can I

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Little Things

Seth decided he wanted to do product photos today and he needed posterboard for a backdrop.  So we headed to A C Moore because I had a coupon, and some money left on my giftcard.  He found his posterboard and I had him get a black one too just in case and I picked up flowers to make my coffee pens for work out of.  Then we headed to the grocery store where the lady behind the counter paid for our groceries.  I don't know if she did it on purpose (we did ask if she did it right) or if it was because Seth was in his Purple Heart Hat but sometimes it is amazing the little things people do because of everything he gave up.

Walk Around Town

Seth decided he wanted to walk around downtown and take pictures.  Sometimes it amazes me how much pain he is willing to fight through just for "that shot".  Photography has become such a big part of his rehabilitation program and his 365 program has helped so much with giving him a sense of purpose and something to focus on each day.  Plus he is really good at it. 

Here he is trying to get the perfect shot and it does make me see how much his little hobby has really helped him.  I just wish it didn't cost a small fortune. 

Monday, January 3, 2011

A little peace and a whole lot of pain

I'm so thankful for Seth's Mom.  She watched the girls today so we could run errands in peace and we had a few places to go.  By the time we got to the last store though you could see it in the way Seth walked that our 4 stops had taken it's toll on his back and he was in serious pain.  At least he did get something positive out of the experience and he got to stop and photograph something he wanted to photograph.  I'm so thankful he has that outlet to help him cope. 

And of course I don't know how he tolerates the looks.  We walked into a store today and the guy behind the counter stared at him for the longest time like he was a freak because he's a 30 year old with a cane.  I know it's not normal but he had his Purple Heart hat on as well he proudly served and sacrificed a great deal for some punk to look at him like he's a freak because of it.  It just irritates the crap out of me. 

New Year trying something new

So we come to the almost two year mark since Seth got hurt and I figured I would give blogging about it a shot.  I realized there were more people like us that are blindly going around not knowing what to expect or how to cope.  Every day brings it's own challenges there are good days and really bad days.  There is a lot of reminding myself that Seth is not at 100% which is the hardest for me.  So I guess it's best to start with the beginning.  On January 12th, 2009 Seth got hit in Iraq and I got one of the hardest phone calls of my life.  As I fought to keep it together for the girls while be thankful he was alive.  I waited and jumped whenever the phone rang.  Seth got hit in the back of the head and had a whole in his head.  He was medi-vaced to Germany, then sent stateside to Illinois then back to Ft. Hood.  Then we had to learn how to deal with this.  Thankfully we had cognitive rehab to help or who knows what would have happened.  Cognitive rehab showed him how to be able to function again.  So now we are retired (as of November 27th 2010) and we must learn what a 30 year old retired guy does.  I'm worried constantly when he talks of trying to get a job in a normal setting because I am terrified of what could happen.  But we have learned to deal with this for almost two years we can deal with this too.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Be the Change

I like many other parents are teaching my girls all kinds of things they need to learn.  I think the most important thing I am trying to  teach them is not to judge a person by how they look.  I think this is something our society seriously lacks at.  Just because someone is different doesn't mean they are not a great person. In my quest to teach them this I have once again gone blue.  Not all the way like last  time since I didn't bleach my hair again I just  worked with what I already had.
So if they know me on the inside and see that my blue hair doesn't change who I am hopefully they will go out and look for the same in other people instead of judging them based upon what makes them different.

I have first hand experience how something so simple makes a profound difference.  My Mother says I was the child who thought of no one as a stranger.  I could and would talk to anyone.  In High School this was truly put to the test.  I found a way to try and talk to everyone I encountered (still do) one Friday afternoon I ran into a boy walking the halls he had his bag and hands full of books.  I smiled said hi and proceeded to start up a conversation with him.  After talked for awhile we both went our seperate ways.  On Monday this boy tracked me down and told me his story.  When I ran into him Friday he had just cleaned out his locker because he didn't want to bother his parents with having to do it.  He had planned to go home and kill himself because he felt like no one liked him, a was a waste.  He told me I changed that!  He went home and told his parents what he had planned and how he met a girl at school who had taken the time to talk with him and it made him think differently.  They got him the help he needed.  But that stuck with, I always made time to smile or talk with people I came across especially if other people treated them differently. 
One day when the girls get a little older I will share this story with them so they can BE THE CHANGE!!!!!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Big News for my Little Miss Kyrie

So it's hard to believe this little girl has turned into
 this little girl. 

And like she pointed out to me when she saw this picture "4th Grader Things Happen"!  Well things are most definitely happening for her.  I've known for awhile and put off saying anything until her first day.  So she had to have her days changed from Thursday and Friday to Monday and Tuesday and today was her first day of Gifted and Talented.  I am beyond proud of my brilliant girl and as she reaches for and pass the stars.  She is off to great places that little girl of mine!!! 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Have to get this off my chest

I have come to a place my husband has wanted me to be at for awhile.  I am done, I am not here to please anyone or make anyone happy.  I am here to make ME happy!!!!   I have spent to much of my time trying to walk on egg shells and do things to make other people happy while crushing myself and crying myself to sleep because I kept being stomped on.  NO MORE, you either like me the way I am or you don't.  Either way I don't care.  I am who I am and I am not going to change it.  I am happy with myself.  My girls love me, my husband loves me and that is all the matter.  I have friends and family that no matter what will still love me and  continue to love, appreciate and understand me.  I don't need to be criticized, belittled, mistreated all to make you feel better about yourself.  I have come a long way from the shell of a person I had become and it has taken everything I have to fight my way away from that and I don't need anyone dragging me back down all because I do something they don't like.  So my answer it screw it, You like me or you don't I DON'T CARE!!!!  I could care less if you don't like that my hair has been blue or it will be again, or that I have tattoos.  It is who I am I didn't do it to for you, I do it for ME and will do whatever I want to MY body without your consent.  I AM WHO I AM NO MATTER IF YOU LIKE ME OR NOT!!!!!!

I have been struggling with my worth for a very long time and it's been a rough road.  I am my worst critic and have been beyond harsh on myself.  Having someone make it worse because they don't like something about me has only made it worse.  Every day has been a struggle I fight within myself and try and present a strong face because I don't want my girls to grow up and be broken like I have been.  I am finally trying to crawl out of that and a part of doing it is saying screw what other people think.  I need to be concerned with me and only ME!!!!   My thoughts are the only ones that matter.  I am learning to be happy with me and cannot continue to do so when I let others take up so much of my thoughts for how they see me.