Sunday, July 31, 2011

Our So Called "Easy Life" Well Think Again

I've been thinking a lot and we all know how that goes.  Seth and I have been married for 8 years and we went on our first trip together alone and unfortunately it was to drive to a funeral.  It wasn't a vacation, contrary to what some people may believe.  I understand it was our Military lifestyle and the girls that kept us from doing those things and I wouldn't change either one for anything.  We have not been on a Vacation since before McKenzie was born but it's kind of hard to pull off when Seth is in and out of the hospital and Kyrie has school.  We had plans for a big vacation this month but they had to be changed and our trip got put off till next summer.  But people still think we have it easy and our life is a piece of cake.  It's funny we have fought every day for everything we have, and I fought like HELL and so did Seth for him to still be here today, but because he is hurt and doesn't have to work we have it so easy.  I want someone to explain to me how having TBI, PTSD, and the other things that fill his huge list of things that he has wrong with him as easy.  Through this whole ordeal I have had people tell me the stupidest things like "At least he is coming home from Iraq early, I wish I was that lucky" seriously you wish your husband got blown up so he could cut out from Iraq a few months early.  Or "At least you don't have to work anymore"  am I the only person who sees how much that hurts him to have to admit that he can no longer do the job he LOVED!  Seriously I should get pamphlets to hand out to people of "The Stupidest Crap to Say to Him".  I am thankful to still have him as part of our lives, and I thank God every day he didn't take him from us.  And some people just need to grasp the concept that you don't compare your cake life to people who have it harder then you.  I have two friends that I would never complain to how hard it is they both lost everything when they lost there husbands and I know that no matter what we go through we don't have it that hard.  I even have days were I struggle with all the things Seth is not capable of doing anymore, it's hard to see that as a completely healthy person that there our people out there who just because you can't see what is wrong with them it is still there.  I've learned to pick up the signs of when the pain is too much, when he has had enough of being around people, and little things like that.  So our "easy" life as some want to see it has come with a huge price tag and if you covet it for a second just stop and think of all he had to give up to be where he is, and I'm sure he would gladly trade with you in a second so he could have his life back the way he wants it. 

I know it's hard to get that at 30, Seth retired.  It's still hard for us to get but I found this quote that makes it a little easier to see how it's possible. 

Retirement is when the living is easy and the payment to get here is hard.

In his twelve years in the Army, Seth worked harder and put in more work then most people working normal jobs.  He got less then minimum wage for the hours he put in, and we were lucky if we even got to see him some days.  But that is the life of the Military and the Military Spouse.  They are people who are tougher then others and made out of a stronger mold.  He paid for his early retirement with a huge toll to his mental well being, his body and almost his life.  So before you stop to say how easy we have it, take a moment to Remember how much we sacrificed to be here and is all that sacrifice worth the easy life (as you say we have).  This easy life as you think means you can never run next to your children when they learn to ride bikes,  that five pounds is your limit for lifting things and that does mean your children as well,  a life of worrying every time he walks out the door that he will remember all he has to do and get home safe.   Our so called "Easy Life" has a heavy price tag and I don't think you would give up everything he has to have it. 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Emotionally Spent

The past weeks have been emotionally draining on my body, soul and mind.  Seth and I left before 4 am on the Monday after Father's Day for my Granny's funeral.  We drove crazy days to get there so felt it was better to leave the girls behind.  I don't think I have had to do anything harder as a Mom then to leave the two of them behind.  I have never been away from them longer then a few hours 12 at most and we were gone for over two weeks.  So added to my heartache for my Granny I had my heartache for leaving them behind.  I knew they were safe but I still worried like crazy and felt guilty for every second I missed.  It's so hard as a parent to have to be away from your kids and I have even more respect for Seth for having done it all those times he had no choice.  It ate at my heart to be away from them and I hope I never have to again!  After that it seemed like one thing after another went wrong for the past few weeks.  We came home to have to fix the toilet completely because it was flushing all the time and the water was constantly going, the sink strainer on the side we didn't replace needs replacing.  The list goes on and on.  They say God only gives you as much as you can handle, I've come to think either he has me confused with someone else like the freaking HULK or he has great faith in my wine.
We have started a list of all the things that need to be done upstairs I don't even want to broach the list for downstairs yet.  I can sum it all up in one word SCARY!!!  We did get all the boxes upstairs off to goodwill and the two that needed to get to storage there.  Now we have to work on painting Kyrie's room (it's on the agenda for tomorrow), building her bookshelf and getting all the stuff that needs to go to the dump out of here.  Then maybe the list wont looks so bad for both upstairs and downstairs.